Now I grieve for I have no label

Having some problems seeing where I fit in. I am blessed in so much as I know I am a daughter of God and as such I have an identity.  But what I am struggling with is that I don’t fit into a particular sector or group in society.  I looked round my ladies group last night, every one of them a Mother or Grandmother.  Regrets there for me, where do I fit in?  I look at my non-church friends, those from my past, I no longer relate to being gay.  Where do I fit in?  When I’m at church I sometimes feel like the “misfit”.  I know that is more my thinking than the thinking of others, I suspect it’s Satan having a pop at me.  I have written about God restoring the years the locusts have eaten, I embrace that wholeheartedly, but part of me cries out, how can I be restored to become like everyone else.  I can’t go back in time and get married, have children, I can’t change my past.  My counsellor reminded me yesterday I should not be ashamed of my past because it’s what’s shaped me and God is going to use it for his glory and I accept that.  I suppose my message today is to ask you to be gentle with people in your church who may come from a less conventional background, sometimes they may be hurting and feeling a sense of disconnect, do what you can to help them feel loved and accepted.  (I’m sure you already do!)  Reaching out and checking people are OK costs nothing yet means so much.

  • Romans 12:2 – Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect
  • 2 Corinthians 5:17 – Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
  • 1 Thessalonians 5:11 – Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
  • 1 Thessalonians 5:14 – And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.
  • Galatians 6:2 – Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

NO LABEL

I had a label, it wasn’t permanent, it came off with some help, but now I’m left on the shelf, no label, no sense of where I fit in, I know that I have turned from my sin and from that perspective I am selected as a daughter of the King, my label “princess” maybe?  But look around, I see no crown, no dress, not like the rest, the girls who share their stories of Prince Charming who swept them off their feet, the children, the family, the love, the sense of belonging, today that’s what I’m longing to find, and as I write I want to underline the word lost, lost opportunities because of my sinfulness, lost love because of my frivolous lifestyle, and while I understand that I can’t turn back time, I find that my mind wonders to the “what ifs” of life, my mind rife with accusation because I succumbed to temptations that took me away from normal living, and yes I am grieving, grief for the life God had chosen for me, the husband, the children, the family, for some sense of normality, and now I grieve for I have no label, yet I still have my invite to God’s table, I still have a place laid for me, his banner still flies over me, and yes I grieve momentarily but now I must shake this off at all costs and see what God has chosen for me, no shame in a repented past, no disgrace because God’s grace has favoured me, I am part of his family, no greater honour so I must be stronger, draw on the inner strength of this new creation, stop trying to conform, be transformed through renewing my mind, be kind to myself as God helps me process.

Love them and leave the rest to me

I struggled for words this morning as I come crashing down after a particularly challenging counselling session.  The first thing I wrote, well that wasn’t for this Blog, but it revealed to me an incredible hurt that I need to give to God and an admission that there are a number of people in my life who I can’t change.  Much as I want to, that’s not my job and I feel like God has given me the message today to just love them and leave the rest to him.

LEAVE THE REST TO GOD

Love them and leave the rest to me, love them with all your heart, you cannot change what’s in them, that’s not your part to play, that’s mine, God’s. I am their loving Father just like I am yours, just as they cannot change you, your life changed when you allowed me in, your life changed when you recognised the sin that held you back, you can’t put them on track, you need to trust, to love with compassion, to love with no agenda and let me be the one to whisper quietly in their ear, let me be the one to melt their heart, let me be the one who sets them apart, stop striving, stop living life as if you have to be the one to change what you cannot change, rest in me, allow my hand to guide your way, don’t think or say that you’re not enough, failing because you failed to make them listen, that’s not your job, that’s not what I asked of you, just love them as you love me, you have an incredible capacity to love, don’t drown in noise that’s not of me, don’t be afraid of the silence as I speak, don’t see it as a sign of weakness, humble yourself and allow me to take this

This is a battle and I am grappling with the enemy

We were talking last night about how best to pray for our family members who do not believe in God and this is a real “topical” issue for me and my ears pricked up when someone offered to message us all with a list of verses to be used in prayer and they are pretty awesome verses with guidance on how to use them in your prayer.  Just had to share these as they will revolutionise the way I pray for my unsaved family and friends.

  1. John 16:8 – When he comes, he will prove the world to be in the wrong about sin and righteousness and judgment – Pray that the Holy Spirit would convict them of their own sin, and bring awareness of God’s righteousness and their coming judgment apart from salvation
  2. Romans 1:18 – The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness – Pray that they wouldn’t ignore the truth.
  3. Colossians 1:13 – For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves – Ask God to rescue them from the kingdom of darkness and bring them to the kingdom of His Son.
  4. Acts 26: 16-18 – 6 “Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of me. 17 I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them 18 to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.”- Pray that God would open eyes that are blind to their sin and need for a Saviour.
  5. Ephesians 2: 12-13 – remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. 13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ. – Mourn with God that they are separate from Christ, excluded from the family of God, without hope and without God in the world. Then ask that in Christ Jesus those who are far away would be brought near by the blood of Christ.
  6. Hebrews 4:2 – For we also have had the good news proclaimed to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because they did not share the faith of those who obeyed. – Pray that the truth would be united with faith in their hearts.
  7. Romans 6:23 – 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in[a]Christ Jesus our Lord – Ask God to lead them toward accepting His gift of eternal life in Christ Jesus.
  8. 2 Peter 3:9 -The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance/ 1 Timothy 2:4 – who wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth – Recount back to God that He isn’t willing that any should perish; ask Him to lead them to repentance.
  9. John 14:6 – Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me/ 1 John 1:9 – If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.Acknowledge that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life, and that no one comes to the Father except through Him. Ask that they would confess their sins, claiming God’s promise of forgiveness and cleansing.
  10. 2 Corinthians 4: 3-4 – And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God – Pray that the gospel would be unveiled to them. Ask that God would defeat Satan, who has blinded their minds to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ.

HAVE MERCY

Hey Jesus, here I am and you know what, I’ve got someone special on my mind and I know they’re kind of special to you too, you probably love them more than I do, and you are the truth, the way, the life, I recognise that no one can come to our Father except through you, and the Father, well he is full of compassion, passionate about all of his children, he doesn’t want them to perish, he cherishes each and every one of them, nothing God would like more than for all his children to walk through the door to heaven, and I recognise this is a battle, a war, the enemy seeks to steal, kill, destroy, his joy complete when he blinds and deceives, so Father I pray you will have your way, reveal the Gospel as the truth, open her mind so she sees the light of your gospel, no longer blinded to the glory of Christ, unite her heart with the truth, Father you promise cleansing forgiveness, convict her of her sin, bring her into your Kingdom, open her eyes to your gift of grace, open her eyes so she sees your face, the face of her loving, forgiving Father, rescue her from the kingdom of darkness, I mourn with you Lord for she is so far from you, she doesn’t see the truth, separate, without hope and that’s a desperate situation, alone, unsaved, without salvation, my heart cries out have mercy Lord, this is a battle and I am grappling with the enemy, I need you to take this from me Lord, defeat Satan and save her from his darkness, lead her to your gift of salvation, bring her an awareness of your Kingdom, a place where there is no mourning, no sadness, where every tear will be wiped away, unveil her mind, lead her to find you, to know your love, to share in our eternal hope in God above.

Now I can say with joy in my heart Abba Father

So had an awesome encounter with God over the past 24 hours and it has given me a sense of real progress in my walk and maybe a bit of understanding of how God sees me… looking through his eyes.  So looked back at yesterday’s Blog just now noted I stated I had been a Christian for 9 months and today I was talking to God quite frankly about how I feel let down/cheated by my childhood and how I felt that those experiences led me to stray from God and to miss out on so much and here’s the picture God gave me.  He is giving me a new childhood, I have had my 9 months (in the womb as such) where he has been forming me and readying me for the world and now I am to enjoy a spiritual/new childhood, with him as my Father and surrounded by Christian sisters and brothers and I am learning all over again to talk, to walk in his way, to feed on his word and I am to allow myself to enjoy this time to rediscover a childhood for myself.

Psalm 139 – For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.                                                                                                                                   

2 Corinthians 5:17 – Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!

Romans 8:15 – The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba Father.’

WE ARE FAMILY

When I became a Christian I didn’t know how to listen or (to be honest) how to talk to you God, I found it hard to think of you as a Father and I didn’t understand when other Christians called each other brother or sister, I didn’t get the picture of us as God’s children, his family, and funnily enough didn’t get the stuff about becoming a new creation, I simply felt an elation at coming to know you, at putting my sinful past behind me and the stuff about family well that came later.  As I learnt more about you I saw that you not only created me, but you knew me before I was formed and all the days you ordained for me were written in your book, and look here’s the thing, I have questioned why things were not perfect for me in my human family if you had plans for me, I desperately needed to feel like God was there for me despite the anarchy and chaos that surrounded me and that made me look deeper into your word, to try and figure out what happened to my childhood, so I could break the chains of slavery that had a hold on me, so I could banish the anxiety that childhood rears up in me, and I get it, I see that you gave free will to humanity and couldn’t protect me from the results of human frailty and you were there for me despite all the commotion and discord, the Lord of heaven and earth was beside me, you never forgot me or abandoned me and you cried for me, cried with me, you saw the pain and remained faithful to me when I pushed you away, I think about that every day and praise you God that you are now my family, and as an adoptee I have a new life to lead and now I can say with joy in my heart Abba Father, I don’t want to be apart from my new family, I have brothers and sisters watching out for me I am advancing, learning to be me a daughter of the living God, I have your word to follow and I have come out of the shadows, I no longer walk in the valley for you have rescued me, and now I am learning to talk confidently to my Saviour, adopting new behaviours, new actions and reactions, following your instructions, I am a new creation, and I will walk with you, talk to you, feed from your word and let it be put on record that the old has gone and the new is here, praise you Father for you have cleared the path for me to recover, discover that family means love, joy and peace, I am released from the chains of slavery, I am your daughter and I am free.

How quickly things change…

OK so kicking myself this morning, last night sent a rash comment via a message to a friend and as soon as it had gone realised that I was so out of order, and lashing out at someone who loved me, and why did I lash out, purely because I was feeling in a vunerable place myself.  However I do recognise that what I did was wrong and now need to learn from God how to repent and then let go, instead of which I just give myself a hard time and worry.  So God sorry and please help me move on….

DELETE DELETE!

I said it but didn’t mean it and as soon as I pressed send I knew I should delete it but it had gone… and now it feels so wrong, and I am so mad with myself cos God told us to be slow to speak and quick to listen, but in this instance I let my words flow, failed to slow down and listen properly, and look where that’s got me, and now I’m angry, but God said be slow to anger and that’s the danger of my mind, I find quite quickly I spiral into accusation and condemnation, I am my own worst enemy, my harshest judge, and yet I know that my Judge is my Father in heaven, who delights over me and wants me to never feel so out of control, yes he wants me to feel whole so who stole that from me, was it my experiences with my family or the devil who enjoys taunting me or is it just me, that I fail to trust or believe that anyone could love me?  Stop, pause and rewind, I remind myself of the love of my Saviour, the answer to prayers he has provided, the Christian family he’s given to me who love and support me without any expectation of me, who nurture and care for my spiritual health who want me to have a wealth of your love, encourage me to learn and grow, and even though I get it wrong they are strong, they surround me with prayer so God, I know you are there for me, I know you don’t care that this time I might have made a mistake, because you recognise that I’ve stepped up to the plate and am trying my hardest to turn my life round and because of your mercy new life I have found.

Just checking in with God

Well certainly true that I missed our meetings over the summer, first group meeting last night was such an inspiration and a blessing.  You know I struggle without help and learn so much just from little things people say and how others pray or even what they pray for, I think I’m a bit of an observer and learn well in that situation.

Overwhelming feeling though was of a closeness with God, something I’ve missed over the Summer, partly my fault for not fully confessing my sins before seeking to be close to God and I learnt something about that as well as how Satan likes it when our sins are secret, he has more control that way, something to think about there and resolved to ask for more help where needed.

JUST CHECKING IN GOD

Just checking in God to say wow, how amazing it is to be part of your family, how uplifting to have you on side, how awesome to know that you are alive in my heart and in my soul, I cannot remember feeling this great, elated at having found this astounding love, overwhelmed by the powerful forces of your pure unadulterated kindness, your gentleness in every situation and the fact that you offered me salvation.

Wow, you came right up to me and showed me what life could be if only I would put aside the sin that tied me to a life of shame, that life would never be the same and I could claim that you are my King of Kings, you are my Saviour, you’ve saved me from damnation and when we had that conversation, the one where you accepted my confession of a life lived poorly, a life lived for me, accepted my apology, there was no condemnation, simply confirmation that I was accepted into your family, that I was redeemed for eternity.

Thanks God that wherever I am I can message you in an instant and you will reply, thank you that whatever I need you will provide and I know that your plans for me are outrageous can you just check out your database and see when things are going to happen cos yet again I’m eager to see the mapping you have for my life, anxious to move myself further down your paths of righteousness and I confess that I am not perfect, but you’ve taken a chance on me and I’m worth it, I am so going to nail whatever it is you want me to do, and God right now I just have to say how much I want to serve you and how much I love you.

Am I searching too hard for perfection?

Read an interesting comment today from someone who does the same online reading as me which struck a chord as I continue to struggle with really turning around certain aspects of my life.

A person adopted into a new family won’t automatically start living by the ethos of the new family, and it may take time for them to begin to conform. However this will not alter the legal fact of their adoption and new family relationships

Good analogy and makes me feel a lot better about not being an instant success as a Christian, but also wanted to get some stuff off my chest today…

PERFECTION?

Am I searching too hard for perfection that will never be found outside of heaven?  I am just one tangled up mess of emotions and yes I am angry, too right I am angry with people who should have known better, if I could write them a letter you know what I’d put, “if you wanted to mess me up, guess what, you nailed it” but you know what, nails played a part in my saviour’s story, nailed to a cross so that I could be free, free of this emotional baggage, free to be me, so who’s smiling now, who’s in control, who’s working towards becoming whole, climbing out of the hole of hurt and pain, learning to live all over again, finding my voice so I will be heard, take a long look at me I am changing, rearranging my head, no need to be perfect, just working at trusting again, learning that I have a voice, the ability to reason and grow, growing in the knowledge that he nailed it, Jesus my Saviour, he nailed it so that I should no longer feel an anomaly, he’s adopted me into his family, OK so I won’t automatically become like the perfect daughter, but you ought to know I will succeed in learning how to be me, gain a healthy respect for myself, love myself and love others, forgive myself and forgive others, let God heal me and recover.