I stand on God’s word, his Holy Scripture

I was spending some time with God in prayer yesterday, praying about a calling which I believe God has put on my heart and all of a sudden the prayer just came out and I was angry but it was a righteous anger.  It was like I had found the passion and this was exactly what I needed to be doing and telling others, I saw what I feel is an injustice, a misrepresentation of God’s truth and I got passionate about this and through this prayer the vision just seemed to get clearer, if you are angry about something then you are going to want to put it right, correct the balance and that’s exactly how I felt.

  • Ephesians 4:26 – ‘In your anger do not sin’
  • James 1:19-20 – 19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

If we know the motivation of our anger and harness that for good then I believe we can produce a form of righteousness that God loves.  Let’s face it anger is a difficult word and can conjure up pictures of violence or rage but can also be translated as passion and sometimes we need a passion and a belief to make things happen, to bring about change.

DESIRE

A desire for justice, wanting to break the cycle of aching hearts, needing to set apart the lies and the hate, never too late to reach out in truth and love, the battle is real, the fight is bloody, the enemy muddies the water distorting the picture, but as I stand on God’s word, his Holy Scripture, I am richer for my faith is what saved me, my faith has set me free, released my aching heart, anointed to play my part, to bring good news, proclaim freedom and bind up the broken, God has spoken and I have listened, his plan has been written, my position ordained, claimed by my heavenly Father today I stand stronger, taller as I lay my life on the alter I will not falter for the Lord my God stands with me, I rejoice for my Redeemer has chosen me.

I will not look back in anger

OK so truth is had a tough day yesterday and it’s so easy when looking back at the past to then dwell on it and what might have been, almost got to a “sliding doors” scenario in my mind last night, what could have been, what might have been, and also (sorry God) but I did get a bit angry about the past and maybe didn’t listen to my own advice or really absorb God’s word, but this morning God has flooded me with messages and I pray to work on this and really listen to God so that I can move forwards once more.

First message, woke up with this on my mind from God

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

Second message (I have a number of laminated verses and like to carry one with me, picked up one at random this morning)

2 Chronicles 15:7 – But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.’

Third message from a friend messaged me in a conversation first thing:

Philippians 3:14 I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenwards in Christ Jesus.

Fourth message posted on our Church Facebook page (sort of like a weekly thought)

Romans 15:13 – May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I WILL NOT FEAR

Even though I walk through this dark valley, I will not fear, for you are with me, you are near and I will not look back in anger, will not look back in pain or sorrow cos tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning and gradually I am winning back my confidence, my determination to build on the foundations of my faith and God does not waste anything, I am not defined by my past, I am prepared by my past, I am a product of God’s love and has he not commanded me, be strong, be courageous, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for I am with you wherever you go, and I know he holds my future in his hands, my God is enough, what more could I need, so I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God called me, through all this confusion and pain I remain strong in the fact that God called me, he saw me floundering, saw me struggling and reached out his hand to me, so I have to see that God is good and would not abandon me now, however hard, however painful I know his angels watch over me, I know he shields and protects me, he fills me with joy and peace and that sure beats relying on your own understanding, stumbling along as your life falls apart at the seams, whatever God brings you to he will bring you through, whatever life throws at you you can beat it with God’s guidance, love and completeness and you can stay strong, you belong to Jesus and your work will be rewarded, he has thwarted the enemy, death is defeated, your salvation completed by his death on a Cross, so count not your losses or your failures, your Saviour offers you favour, fills you with hope by the power of his Spirit and now at this pivotal time in my life I turn my back on the strife and pain of my past, what do I gain through looking back, I press on towards the plans that God has laid down for me, I claim victory over my mind, death is defeated, conquered and crushed, I am an overcomer, a winner, and a redeemed child of the ultimate victor.

How quickly things change…

OK so kicking myself this morning, last night sent a rash comment via a message to a friend and as soon as it had gone realised that I was so out of order, and lashing out at someone who loved me, and why did I lash out, purely because I was feeling in a vunerable place myself.  However I do recognise that what I did was wrong and now need to learn from God how to repent and then let go, instead of which I just give myself a hard time and worry.  So God sorry and please help me move on….

DELETE DELETE!

I said it but didn’t mean it and as soon as I pressed send I knew I should delete it but it had gone… and now it feels so wrong, and I am so mad with myself cos God told us to be slow to speak and quick to listen, but in this instance I let my words flow, failed to slow down and listen properly, and look where that’s got me, and now I’m angry, but God said be slow to anger and that’s the danger of my mind, I find quite quickly I spiral into accusation and condemnation, I am my own worst enemy, my harshest judge, and yet I know that my Judge is my Father in heaven, who delights over me and wants me to never feel so out of control, yes he wants me to feel whole so who stole that from me, was it my experiences with my family or the devil who enjoys taunting me or is it just me, that I fail to trust or believe that anyone could love me?  Stop, pause and rewind, I remind myself of the love of my Saviour, the answer to prayers he has provided, the Christian family he’s given to me who love and support me without any expectation of me, who nurture and care for my spiritual health who want me to have a wealth of your love, encourage me to learn and grow, and even though I get it wrong they are strong, they surround me with prayer so God, I know you are there for me, I know you don’t care that this time I might have made a mistake, because you recognise that I’ve stepped up to the plate and am trying my hardest to turn my life round and because of your mercy new life I have found.

Cut through your foolish pride and walk with Jesus side by side

I got it into my head that maybe God was a bit mad with me, over the past few days I felt like I had let him down and almost felt a bit distant from him.  Does God get angry with us?  I don’t know the answer to that, I’m sure he gets disappointed, I know that I’m disappointed in myself so surely a loving Father is going to feel the same, though I’m not sure on reflection that a loving Father would be angry with us.  Anyway got to talking to God this afternoon and you know what, he gave me Isaiah 54 which has really helped me to understand that even if he did get angry it would be fleeting, so miniscule that it’s not worth worrying about because he has everlasting kindness and compassion towards me.  Studying Isaiah 54 led me to a couple more passages (and I am sure there are loads more) Psalm 30 and Isaiah 12 which I have quoted below.

Isaiah 54: 7-8

For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you,’ says the Lord your Redeemer.

Psalm 30: 5

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favour lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Isaiah 12:1

In that day you will say: “I will praise you, LORD. Although you were angry with me, your anger has turned away and you have comforted me.

WALK WITH JESUS SIDE BY SIDE

So here’s the thing, I got it wrong and it was me not you, me who decided to go it alone, like I’d thrown my sensible head out of the window and even though I know where to find you, just decided not to read the Bible to find an answer, and I swear it would have been easier just to get down on my knees and say “please” Jesus help me to deal with this, but no, like a fool I twisted it round to say, well God’s mad with me anyway so may as well carry on doing it my way, but doing it my way well that’s not so cool, quite frankly it’s like having the best tools in the world to complete the task, the greatest expert on tap to ask but deciding to cast them aside because of some misplaced pride.  What’s worse is now I’ve talked to you I see that my ignorance is no defence, I should turn everything over to you in prayer, you care and are slow to anger, your deep compassion is not imagined, you tell us clearly your anger is but fleeting, you love meeting with us face to face, doesn’t matter what place we’re at, God is aware that I am human, his son took on our very form so he could be informed and see things from our perspective, he knows that by our very nature we are defective but irrespective of our failings, God is aware of all my feelings from the smallest hurt to the greatest joy, he wants to employ me for his army, use me to destroy the enemy and in order to do this I must listen, must turn to him in every situation, he is the foundation of my faith, and I must step up to the plate, so listen when I promise you God is not angry with you, he is here to nurture you, comfort you and rebuild you, he seeks to favour you and as the morning breaks, take time to celebrate, rejoice in our glorious Lord, who never sways from his word, don’t feel like you have let him down, just understand that he is not finished with you yet, ever since you met him face to face he has been preparing you for the race, and nothing you can say or do can separate God from you, so don’t seek to apportion blame, don’t feel any more shame, proclaim his name in wonder and awe, worship and adore the King who never turns away, your debt he paid by dying on that cross, so why would he get cross with you, that’s not a thing that he would do, just cut through your foolish pride and walk with Jesus side by side.

How do you cope when old wounds are reopened?

To be honest today has been tough.  I feel I need to off-load some pain and bitterness from the past.

This relates to my family and their relationship with me since I first told them that I was Gay.  Despite it being almost 30 years since I came out to them I still feel most accutely the pain I did then, not just for me but for them.  Christian parents being told the unthinkable about their child, the reaction was never going to be good.  However what happened was unreal, they never spoke about it, didn’t tell me they loved me, didn’t tell me God still loved me, they simply ignored it and believe me that was hard.

We had an awkward and intermittant relationship for many years until my sexuality became a silently accepted anomaly, never referred to, just there and as they have grown older, we have grown closer.

This weekend my parents came to stay and now they have gone back home I find I can’t settle my thoughts as to why they never tried to talk to me, never expressed their love for me, or God’s love for me, or ask an intermediary to talk to me.  I have found this incredibly difficult to understand and now believe I will never get these answers but have to trust in God’s enduring love for me and his desire for me to let go of this hurt and bitterness and hand it to him to deal with.

God please help me to turn my bitterness over to you, please take the pain and shame away and use my experiences to shape my future and your plan for my life. Amen

OLD WOUNDS REOPENED

Coming out was oh so hard, to see the wounds I inflicted on your hearts, to feel your pain, see your shame, to know that I was to blame for the total breakdown of our relationship, to feel separated from my family, our joy and fun now history, I had fallen to the enemy, blasphemy rapidly tore us apart, and yes it also broke my heart.

But why I cry did you not talk to me, why did you not tell me of your love for me or even try and talk of God’s love for me and wrap me in a blanket of security, so despite my sexuality at least I could have seen the power of love from my family on earth and Father above and have had a chance of clutching at normality and working this out sensibly.

Instead you never said “we love you”, “God loves you despite all your failings”, my sexuality unfailingly  derailing our family , I was consumed with self-loathing, choking in sin and still your silence akin to condemnation, I spiralled in my damnation, continued to succumb to temptation, your affection for me lost in translation.

God has saved me, he has redeemed me, can we now be a family reunited in love? I ask my Father, Jesus Lord, please help me not to be so bitter, help me to consider this from their perspective, be objective in my thoughts and lay my feelings at the Cross, so all the years that we have lost can be regained, I can return to the heart of my family again.

Misdirected Anger

I’ve had a tough couple of days, under attack and have felt challenged in my decisions.  However I know that God loves me, died for me and through his act of great sacrifice on the cross I am saved.

So is it  right to get angry with God?  I guess not and for my ranting and anger God I am sorry, but I hope that by getting this off my chest I can move forward more confidently and blessed with God’s great love.

ANGRY

Lord forgive me, but today I woke up angry and felt despair, I called out throughout the day, oh God speak to me, help me overcome the rage I feel inside my head.

I need to speak about the pain and madness that I’m harbouring, imploring you to answer my prayer, please let me know that you are there and that by sharing my angst I will be healed.

Why am I angry?  Oh Lord you know my every thought, you know I have regrets, I query why you let me be this way, why oh why was I made gay?

I praise you that you have revealed the true path to me, set me free, released me.  Please now work with me to stop my anger and my pain, rid me of all temptations, remind me constantly of my salvation in you.

I am sorry that I directed my anger at you, your love for me is so true and real, I have no right to fight against your great plans, no right to rant and rave, if not for you I would not be saved.

Thank you for being my constant, for loving me despite my anger and my ranting, for granting me a place in your kingdom, for giving me absolute freedom.