Thought long and hard about posting this today. But this is a blog about my journey so I have to learn that showing my feelings isn’t a weakness, it’s a strength and I need to be honest with myself so I can address my issues.
What’s this all about? I suppose it’s about being scared to show vulnerability and instead of showing it to my friends I’ve chosen to bottle it up and try to deal with it, for “fear” of looking weak. Moving forward I know I need to be honest and open with those who love and support me so that they can continue to support me as I step up to God’s plans for my life.
Torn, divided, who can I confide in? God knows, he sees this heart, he hears the silent scream, he sees the darkness infesting my dreams. God knows and holds my head above the water as my body furiously fights the currents that ebb and flow with the tide. Who am I? What label do I wear, and actually do I really care about labels? Perhaps I do. Is it important that I conform? I ask the question the words form in my head but as they tumble from my mouth the sentiment’s already dead. Conforming, what’s that all about? We’re all different, we all have doubts and fears and then there’s the tears that fail to flow, if they won’t come where can they go? I don’t know who I am, where I should be, I only know that I want to be part of God’s family cos in him there is security, safety, a place where him and me can talk, and maybe it sounds corny but he walks with me, I know he’s there when it’s just him and me in prayer, it’s just all these other layers get in the way. I guess it’s cos I once was gay and that in itself is just a name, another label pinned on me, abused, unloved and sexually broken, people’s words a token as they try to placate me, shame engulfs me, will they believe me, am I just another sham or am I who God says I am? My mind is tired of all this battling, the words rattle around in the void, noise, it’s just noise as I stand poised to expose my heart, why don’t I trust God to do his part? Am I scared of judgment, I’ve fought that all my life, but these are my friends, friends of God, can it be so hard to say it as it is, to be weak, expose the parts of me that hurt, being strong, that’s kind of wrong if all I need is to be free, you know all I want is to be me? Who am I? I see glimpses of that person, I see hope, I see someone learning to cope, being transformed from glory to glory, allowing God to use my story, I want to let God define me, I look to him for help, I’m not drowning cos he holds me, this season one of refining and defining, soon I will be climbing not on the first rock I see, not clambering on my knees but climbing to the rock that is higher than I, my eyes focused on the light, God’s purpose for my life defined, not wasted, he restores the years that the locusts devoured, he overpowered the enemy and broke his grip on me, I see all he has done for me. Can I courageously take a step of faith, trust God to create my safety bubble, protecting me from any trouble, from my mind that traps me, from Satan’s lies that draw me in, from desires to cut and bruise my skin. Is it enough to say I’m hurting, no longer skirting the issues, relying on truth, discussion and tissues instead of this hopeless fear of failure. Layers, it’s just layers being peeled away exposing the frayed edges that God is knitting together again, I am who he says I am, I am part of his plan, and I can do this, I really can….