Have found the testimony of Michelle X Smith online. I identify closely with her having a very similar background, church goer as a child, discovering my homosexual feelings, feeling that God could never love me and therefore taking a massive step away from God and then after many years God drawing me back to him and seeing the immense love and forgiveness he has for me, my realisation of the need to be obedient to him and ultimately gaining my salvation.
Reading her testimony has been an amazing experience, for the first time ever I feel like someone else “gets it”. Someone else like me who understands all the difficulties, the almost forced separation from God and from family because of my sexuality the internal battles that raged and the frustration now with a church that seeks to water down scriptures.
Whilst I am surrounded by love and support, at times I still feel alone, the battles still rage in my head from time to time, the enemy taunting me with my past and with my future, am I good enough to serve God, could I ever be a role model, are people bothered about my story.. well I have news for you Satan – God made me, God has plans for me and God’s going to use me whether you like it or not, I am victorious, I am saved, I am changed and I am not going to be held down any longer.
Loneliness…let the battle commence, let’s silence the voices in my head that take great pleasure in dissing me, telling me that I am not worth it, insignificant, never gonna make the cut, cut it out Satan it’s you who’s defeated, you were beaten before you started, so don’t get me started on where you belong, don’t expect me to say I am wrong about God and about his salvation, I am his creation and OK so I went astray and every day is one of grace since I claimed my place with Jesus and his team, you see Satan I am loved, saved, redeemed, God doesn’t care what I did or what I was because that was forgiven at the cross, your loss, God’s gain, he is training me, building me and when he’s through with me it’s me you’ll need to fear, the word of God my sword, I intend to serve my Lord with intensity and passion, bringing the truth to the masses, happen you will tremble as you try to come near so I no longer fear your taunting and your goading, overloading my mind with lies, you strategize to wear me down but God’s given me a crown, I am his daughter do you really think he’s gonna let you get the better of me, do you not understand that I am a child of the most high King, the sting in your tail no longer a threat, Jesus paid my debt at Calvary and I am free, I will not be put down, bossed around by a defeated enemy, take your leave, God has done more for me than you can ever imagine, answered prayers surrounded me with love and that’s enough.. but he wants to do more, God adores me, you see that’s the truth of it and you can never destroy God’s love for me, so tell me I’m lonely and I’ll show you an army ready to stand by me, accompany me on my journey, tell me I’m weak and I’ll show you an army ready to back me with spiritual power and prayer, tell me I’m nobody and I’ll tell you I’m not just somebody, my Daddy is God, tell me I’m going nowhere and I’ll share this truth, God knows the plans he has for me, to prosper me and not to harm me, Oh yes I’m going somewhere, I’m going places, so keep your eyes peeled and watch this space