TO FIND FORGIVENESS IN MY HEART
There’s something wrong with me. An inability to see that what happened in my childhood shouldn’t still be hurting me, shouldn’t still cause sleepless nights, the fights I witnessed still cause pain, the words resound within my brain and sometimes still I feel disdain for all you make me feel.
Did you steal something from me? Did you shape my future? Could life have been smoother if my start had been more solid, if the torrid atmosphere at home had been one of safety not of harm, if people had seen right through your charm and reached into my bubble, recognised I was in so much trouble?
Inner turmoil raises its head, sometimes I’m hanging by a thread and question what’s a father for if not to keep you safe from harm, to love you unconditionally, to provide you with consistency, to hold you close through all life’s journey, provide you with a sanctuary.
I’ve found a Father who now provides all I ever could require, whose love is deeper, wider, higher, than any love I’ve known before, who swore to protect me from all harm, who welcomed me with outstretched arms.
Lord now I need to find forgiveness, to eliminate this distance that I feel in my heart, to start again, wipe the slate clean, to lean on you to be my strength, to pray at length to find peace, to pray to find the missing piece that allows me to let this go and love my earthly father too.